Evanescent
by BluEyes
Summary: ***CHAPTER 17 IS IMPORTANT NOTE FOR ANYONE WHO READS ANY OF MY FICS*** When you feel completely alone, sometimes one person caring is enough, but sometimes...sometimes it's not [complete]
1. Chapter 1

Evanescent

Chapter 1

Okay, I seriously wasn't sure if I should post this at all or not…but I finally decided to. It's really dark and angsty and stuff, and after this chapter, I'm gonna change the rating to R, just so you know. Um, I really don't have much more to say right now, I'll tell more in the next chapter and things will be explained as it goes. Okay…

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Sometimes I wonder

If they even care

If they'd even notice

If I wasn't there

If I'm really invisible

Or just transparent to the world

If I left tomorrow

Would they even know

Sometimes I wonder if they even care at all. If they'd even notice if I just said fuck it all and locked myself in here forever. How long would it take before they noticed. How long before someone came to see if I was okay. Or if they're so selfish and caught up in their own lives that they'd never notice.

But it's not their fault that they're selfish. That's just the way that people are. It's instincts. Raw, animal, survival-of-the-fittest instincts. You matter. First and foremost, take care of yourself. The weak can't survive, hey, it sucks for them, but that's their problem. They can't cut it, it's not any of your problem. You can make it, why let them drag you down as well? 

So I guess I'm not one of the strong ones.

And I still wonder if they'd even give half a shit if I wasn't here at all. If they'd even miss me. How long it'd take to notice. Who'd realize it first. Would they even care.

So why, you may ask. Why stay, just to put up with all this shit? The heartache, the backstabbing, the betrayal, the pain…Why?

Yeah…That's what I keep wondering, too.

Why?

Tbc…

Okay, um, review and don't judge me too much, lol. And tell me who's talking…and what she/he is talking about…if you know…or just take a stab at it…and tell me if I should keep going…if not, I can just delete this and we'll pretend like it never existed, sound good? 


	2. Chapter 2

Evanescent

Chapter 2

Thanks for the review :) so I guess that means you want me to continue, huh? Okay, so the person narrating is…(like most of you couldn't guess, come on, it's me, lol) Chandler. I'm gonna switch back and forth from first person POV to third person, but when it's first person, it'll be him. And I'm not saying that what he's thinking is actually the way that everything is, it's just…what he's thinking. Does that make any sense whatsoever? I hope so, lol. Oh, and I forgot to say that I don't own the characters. Or the pair of pants that have been sitting in my closet for the past month or so that are my friend's…hmm…maybe I should give those back…

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I can't hold on

It's all too much to take in

I can't hold on

With thoughts of failure sinking in

(_By Myself_, Linkin Park)

I always fuck up. Always. You hear my name, you think _fuck up_. It just…goes. I **always** fuck up. Always have, too. I was too much of a fuck up for my mom to handle, that's why she sent me to boarding school. That, and to get rid of me. How could she bring home all of her lovers with a kid there? That would make her a bad parent, god forbid. But, no, get rid of the kid, that puts her in the running for Mother of the Year. Though I think back then I just fucked up for the attention. But now…

Now, it's who I am. No matter what, it's what happens. No matter how good my intentions are, it doesn't matter. It's inevitable.

Once a fuck up, always a fuck up.

~*~

"Where's Chandler?" Monica asked, grabbing the pitcher of orange juice from the refrigerator.

"He's still pretty upset over Kathy," Joey shrugged.

"Is he okay?" Rachel asked, realizing for the first time that she'd hardly seen him in the past few weeks.

"I don't know…I mean, he'll hardly even speak to me," Joey said quietly. "I'm kind of worried about him, actually."

"Has he even left his room?" Monica sat down at the table next to Joey.

"Just to got to work…if even…"

"Do you think we should do something for him?"

"Well, what can we do?"

"I don't know," Monica admitted. "Why don't you just try talking to him again? See if you can get him to go somewhere or something…"

"I don't know," Joey nervously played with his coffee cup. "I mean, I guess I could try, but he'd hardly even say anything last time I tried to talk to him…"

~*~

Joey checked on me again today. He asked if I wanted to go get a drink with him, and, as appealing as the idea of going out and getting completely wasted is, I said no. Because I have a feeling that that's what "a drink" would turn into right now. But I'd really rather be sober right now. If not, I'd probably just do something else to fuck up again without even realizing it.

At least if I'm sober, I know I'm a fuck up.

Tbc…

Okay, um, still don't assume too much, lol. And the next couple of parts are probably gonna be pretty short, too, sorry about that. But please review, thanks…I'm really gonna need to know if you people still want me to keep going with this one…


	3. Chapter 3

Evanescent

Chapter 3

Ahhhhhhhhhhh…that would be a noise of relief, hehe. I **finally** finished my English paper, woo-hoo :) Well, I was excited, you people probably don't care. Okay, so this is actually still R and I might change the rating-rating back eventually…but not yet, lol. So wanna hear like the saddest story ever? So, my best friend never had an easy bake oven…seriously, what a deprived little girl! Didn't everyone one have one of those at some point in time? (and now like half of you are gonna be like, well, I didn't have one either…) So, for her 17th birthday we're getting her…an easy bake over! Hehe :) Wouldn't you love to be friends with me? ;)

And, yes, this is going to be CnM eventually…this **is** me we're talking about here, lol…

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Wish I was

Too dead to care

If indeed I cared at all

Never had a voice to protest

So you fed me shit to digest

I wish I had a reason

My flaws are open season

For this I gave up trying

One good turn deserves my dying

And you don't need to bother

I don't need to be

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on

I won't let go till it bleeds

(_Bother,_ Stone Sour)

"C'mon, Chandler," Monica knocked on his door a third time, starting to get frustrated with the fact that he wouldn't even answer her, let alone unlock the door. "Chand-" she was cut off when he finally opened the door. "Hey," she smiled at him, surprised that Joey's description of looking "like shit" actually fit quite well. 

Chandler turned back around, going to sit on his bed, leaving the door open for Monica to follow. Monica shut the door behind her, noting from the ashtray full of butts and the pack of cigarettes on his nightstand that he was smoking again, but deciding against saying anything about it. Instead, she sat down beside him, handing him two tickets.

"What are these?" he looked at her, confused.

"What do they look like?"

"Tickets to tonight's Ranger's game?" Monica nodded. "Thanks, Mon, but why don't you see if Ross and Joey want them."

"Huh-uh. You and me, Bing."

"You wanna go to a hockey game?" he raised his eyebrows.

Monica shrugged. "Why not? I got the tickets from this guy at work cause he had them but couldn't go tonight, so…"

"Why don't you go with Joey, then."

"Because I want to go with you," she looked him in the eye, but he immediately broke the eye contact, looking down at the tickets and sighing. "Please, Chandler?"

~*~

I wish they hadn't sent Monica this time. And I say 'they' because I know it's a group effort. A let's-cheer-Chandler-up effort so that they don't feel guilty and can tell themselves that they at least made an attempt.

But I really wish they hadn't sent Monica.

I really can't say no to her. Not when she's sitting next to me, trying her best to make eye contact again, rubbing her hand up and down my arm.

"C'mon…Please, Chandler?"

God, why'd they have to send Monica.

"Hey," she moved closer, taking me by surprise and gently touching my cheek. "Cheer up. She wasn't worth this," she finally succeeded in making eye contact, not letting me break it this time.

I almost laugh at that. God, they think it's all Kathy. But she was just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. She just made me realize how I really am the one to always screw up. I didn't trust her. I was too damn immature to trust her. Story of my life. I once again fucked up.

I finally moved away from her touch, knowing that any longer and she'll break me, and lay down. "I'm not really in a hockey game mood tonight."

"Then I'll just stay here with you," she laid down next to me, once again moving closer.

Godamnit, she's persistent. Which is probably why they sent her this time instead of Joey. She won't give up. And as long as she has something that she needs to get done, she'll act like she cares. 

"Does Joey have a date or something and can't go?"

Monica sat up suddenly, getting huffy, and it's then that I realized my mistake, a minute too late. "I don't know, Chandler, and I don't really care. Did you ever think that maybe I just might want to spend time with you?"

~*~

Monica stood up, finally understanding why Joey had given up. Chandler just didn't care. He'd shut everyone out and wasn't about to let anyone in.

"You know what, never mind. I'll just give the tickets to Joey or Ross," she gave up, walking out of the room.

Chandler closed his eyes, leaning his head back as he realized something. They didn't send her because she was persistent. They didn't even know that she came. 

He finally jumped up, opening his door in time to see Monica about to walk out the front door. "Um, Mon?" Monica turned around, surprised to hear his voice. "Uh, I suppose I could go to a hockey game…"

Monica grinned in silent victory, closing the door behind her as she walked back over to him. "Okay."

"Um, I'm gonna go take a shower and change and then we should probably go," he started to turn to go get ready.

Monica nodded. "Okay," she smiled at him. "Chandler?" he turned back to face her. "Thank you," she kissed him quickly on the lips, no longer than would be considered friendly, before leaving to let him get ready to go.

~*~

Maybe she really cares. I hadn't given it a second thought that anyone actually gives a shit. Not that I have any guarantee that she actually does, but I'll let myself believe that. As dangerous as that may be, I'll believe it.

I just hope she doesn't kiss me again. That gives her even more control over me, and she already has way too much.

But I guess even a fuck up likes to feel that someone cares.

Tbc…

Yeah, I'm not sure I like the switching of POV's, but I'm gonna keep trying it this way, lol. But anyway, please review, thanks :)


	4. Chapter 4

Evanescent

Chapter 4

Thanks for the reviews :) So guess what? I got this summer job that I really wanted, yay, go me! *does Chandler's happy dance* …actually, when I was talking on the phone to the lady, I, well, I didn't actually do a happy dance, per se, but I did a cute little jump-y thing, lol. I'm sure it woulda been hilarious to see…cuz I was chewing on a pen cap, jumping up and down, talking on the phone…just picture it, lol. And, AND my soccer team can finish 2nd in our division this season *knocks on wood* yeah, it ain't first, but it's a lot better than we've ever done before, lol. Oh, hey, back to the knock on wood thing…what's the reason behind that? Seriously, there has to be some sort of reason behind that…does anyone know what it is? If you do, let me know…I'm one of those people who wonders about stuff like that, lol…

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Catch your breath

Hit the wall

Scream out loud

As you start to crawl

Back in your cage

The only place

Where they will

Leave you alone

(_Simon_, Lifehouse)

I wish I would've just gone with Joey when he asked me to go get a drink with him or whatever. Then I wouldn't have had to go with Monica to the game. No offense to Monica. Not personally, anyway. Girls just talk too much. And they always ask questions. Not only about the game, either, though that did get annoying, too. I really wasn't in the mood to explain the rules and every single call made. But they **always** ask questions, especially when they know that something's wrong. Guys will let it go. Girls keep asking.

God, if she only knew.

But what am I supposed to say? Come right out and say "I'm a fuck up, always have been a fuck up, always will be a fuck up." Yeah, that's one four-letter word she's probably never heard me use before. 

At least she's trying, I guess. Though, I really wish she wouldn't. Yeah, I know, I'm a hypocrite. First, I bitch about the fact that no one cares, and then I bitch when someone finally does.

I guess it's just easier when you feel like the world couldn't care less. Then there's no one to hurt, no one to disappoint…no one but yourself.

~*~

"So you actually got him to go somewhere with you?" Joey looked at Monica in disbelief, and she nodded in return. "How?" Monica shrugged. "Well where'd you go?"

"To a Rangers game," Monica replied, sitting down on the couch. "I am worried about him, though."

"I know, me, too," Joey sat down beside her. "But he just…" 

"Doesn't want us to be. He doesn't want any help from anyone," Monica finished for him, and he nodded in agreement. "He doesn't really want anything from anybody. He's shutting everyone out."

"So what do we do?"

"I don't know," Monica sighed, closing her eyes in frustration. "I guess we just…don't let him…"

~*~

They sent Monica again. And I really know it was a "they" decision this time to invite me to dinner with all of them. And, now that I think of it, they probably did have something to do with the game, too. And now they know that I can't say no to her, so they'll keep sending her.

Pity.

Out of pity. I don't want their pity; I don't need their pity. But that's their motive. Pity. 

And to think that I almost trusted Monica, thought that she might really care. After everything that I know about people, I really don't know why I'd actually think that she was any different than the rest of them.

It's all self-motivated; it's all out of sheer pity.

Guilt.

Knowing that you'd feel guilty if you weren't sympathetic toward someone or something or some situation or whatever. That's what pity is. Guilt.

Yet another self-motivated human emotion. Another way of showing just how selfish we really are. And there is no exception. There is no such thing as a completely selfless person.

Not that I blame them in this situation. I think I'm pretty damn pitiful, too.

I just really wish they'd keep their guilt-risen pity to themselves and leave me alone.

I'd rather be alone.

Tbc…

Yeah, um, sorry this really hasn't gotten completely into the story yet…but I'm getting there, I swear. Just another part, I think…and then it'll really get into it, lol. Someone's pounding on the floor cuz my music's too loud…sorry, off the subject, lol. Anyway, please review…and if you know about the whole knock-on-wood thing, let me know… :)


	5. Chapter 5

Evanescent

Chapter 5

Hey, thanks again for the reviews :) So wanna hear like the saddest story ever? So, I have these flip-flops (yes, cuz **every** truly sad story starts off with "so I have theses flip-flops") and I've had them for like 3 years and they're the ones from old navy that are like 4 bucks and they're my favorite shoes…and yesterday…they broke! Now, my mom didn't find this sad at all. She was like "Jamie, you have a million pairs of shoes, wear a different pair" but I want my purple flip-flops! *sighs* Stupid 4 dollar sandals that only last 3 years…Oh, and yes, Becca knew something that I didn't know (don't get too used to it, Bec, hehe). Oh, and one thing about the fic…if you picked up (hopefully) that this is like 4th season and it'd be after the girls and guys switched apartments….so Joey and Chandler live in Monica and Rachel, er, Monica and Chandler's apartment…well, it was Monica and Rachel's then, but…well, you all know so I'll shut up, lol.

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There's another world inside of me

That you may never see

There's secrets in this life

That I can't hide

But somewhere in this darkness

There's a light that I can't find

Well maybe it's too far away

Or maybe I'm just blind

Maybe I'm just blind

(_When I'm Gone_, 3 Doors Down)

"Hey."

Joey, Ross, and Phoebe all looked up in surprise when Chandler came out, ready to go.

"Hey," they all smiled in return.

"So…where are we going to eat?" he asked, digging his hands into his pockets.

"We haven't decided yet," Joey answered. "And we still have to wait for Rachel and Monica to get here."

"So why don't we just decide now so that we can leave right when they get here?" Phoebe suggested.

"So where should we go?"

"Hey," Monica and Rachel walked in, cutting off the conversation and the need to decide whether or not they should wait for them to decide where to go.

"So where are we going?" Monica asked, sitting on the arm of the Barca Lounger that Chandler had sat down in. Chandler looked up at her, but didn't say anything, not even making a suggestion when everyone else voiced their opinions on where they wanted to go.

But at least he was going.

~*~

"Doug's getting sued for sexual harassment," the five other pairs of eyes at the table were immediately on Chandler, surprised that he had actually voluntarily spoken. And at that realization, they realized just how weird it was to be thinking that. He used to not shut up. Now they were about to set off fireworks in celebration of the fact that he was talking to them at all.

And it wasn't right.

"What?" Joey finally asked.

"He slapped Brian's ass, and Brian's gay…so he figured, if he'd slapped a woman's ass, it would've definitely been harassment," Chandler laughed slightly, and the other five exchanged glances, all grinning and laughing again, relieved to hear him laughing again, even if it was only for a few seconds.

And it wasn't right. 

~*~

You can't see the stars in the city. It's kind of sad that you can't. The city never sleeps; it never turns off its lights and says goodnight. It's always too bright. Too many lights. Always.

There's something calming about sitting and looking at the stars…staring out into the endless sky and watching them glistening…the vast never ending darkness, only interrupted by the light emitted by the stars. It's almost soothing just to stare out at them. So maybe that's why the city's always so…you know? Because you can't see the stars.

Upstate you can see them. Get far enough away from the city and everything, and there are so many stars it's insane. Seriously, unbelievable.

I want to get out of the city. Eventually, I mean. Get married, get away, have kids, live somewhere where they can attempt to count all of the stars in the sky…Yes, me. I want all of that. I want to leave the city and live somewhere that you can see the stars and I want everything that comes with it. And I always thought that by the time I truly did want all of that stuff, that I'd be able to have it, that I'd eventually…grow out of, per se, the whole always-fucking-up thing.

But I didn't. I still always do.

But, who knows…Maybe someday I'll live somewhere that I can see the stars.

~*~

Monica walked into the guys' apartment, not sure that Chandler being fine at dinner wasn't just an act. She started toward his bedroom, but, glancing out the window and seeing Chandler sitting out on the balcony, she stopped. Walking over, she about went out to join him, but paused for a moment, watching him.

He looked deep in thought.

She finally went out, and he only glanced up at her momentarily before taking another drag of the cigarette in his hand, looking around again. Monica sat down next to him, still watching him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" she finally asked quietly.

Chandler held out his hand. "I only accept payment up front."

Monica smiled. "I don't have any money on me."

"Then you'll never know, will you?" he made eye contact again, this time holding it longer before looking away. Monica also finally looked away, looking around, trying to see whatever it was that he was looking so intently at. "You can't see stars in the city," Chandler finally said, putting his cigarette out.

"What?" Monica turned back to him, but he was still facing away.

"That's what I was thinking about," he looked at her, smiling slightly. "You can't see stars in the city."

Tbc…

Please review…thanks :) And we're getting to the point in the school year when everything's **insane**, so the next part might be awhile…or not if I need a break from everything, lol 


	6. Chapter 6

Evanescent

Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews. And Yen-since Becca insists on calling me Masebee, then go for it, lol. And the not being able to see stars in the city thing…I actually thought that up cuz I went with my friend to her boyfriend's and he lives…well, way outside of the city, lol, and you can see so many stars…it was so pretty and I just kept thinking how someday I wanna live somewhere where you can see the stars…But do you have any idea how far I'd be away from a mall then??? (wow, I so just sounded like a 16-year-old girl…wait, my bad, I am :) ) But anyway, so I definitely burned myself in chemistry today, lol. See, now that's why you do **not** give Jamie fire to play with. Seriously, what were they thinking?

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I've been through ups and downs

And back again

Emotional hell

And here I am

I can see

I just choose to be blind

I can run

I just choose to sit on the side

I can keep up

I just choose to let them pass me by

I can feel

I just prefer to be emotionally void

I can breathe

I just suffocate from inside

I can live

I just need to know why

If you want to kill yourself by slitting your wrists, you cut them lengthwise. Down, not across like most people do. That's their biggest mistake. Or their loudest cry for help, depending on how you want to look at it. But if you really want to do it right, it's down the length of the arm. You'll bleed to death faster; no one will have the chance to find you first.

~*~

Monica hesitated slightly, not sure if she should just walk in or not. She was going to confront him. They'd all talked about it the night before, and if he wouldn't open up to any of them, then they were going to confront him about it. Because she was worried about him, they all were. And he needed some kind of help, whether he wanted it or not. And if he wasn't going to ask, they'd do it for him.

Taking a deep breath, she finally decided to go in, knowing that even if she were (I would just like to say that my spell and grammar check said that that should be 'was' but when I changed it to was, it said it should be were...I'm so confused! which should it be? lol) to knock, he wouldn't answer anyway. So she reached for the doorknob, praying that it was unlocked.

As soon as the door opened, Chandler looked up, momentarily making eye contact before looking back down. He was sitting on his bed, writing in a notebook, music on but turned down low. He closed the notebook, setting it on his bedside table before looking up, following her with his eyes as she walked across the room.

"Can we talk?" Monica finally asked, and Chandler shrugged. Taking that as a yes, she sat down on the edge of the bed. She took another deep breath, about to begin.

"Good thing they sent you second and not fifth," Chandler said, interrupting her before she'd even begun.

"What?" Monica looked at him, confused.

"I mean, this is a group effort, right? First, it was Joey. I wouldn't go with him. Then it was you. I went with you. So then you became the spokesperson for the group," he paused slightly. "So it's a good thing you were only second."

Monica looked at him in disbelief. "No one else even knew about the hockey game until after. I just had tickets, and-"

"Whatever," he stood up, cutting her off before walking over to his dresser and taking a cigarette out of the pack. 

"Look, I just care," she walked over to where he was standing, taking the cigarette out of his mouth before he had the chance to light it.

"Whatever," he repeated, taking another one out of the pack and lighting it.

"We just want to help," she replied, trying her hardest to keep her cool.

"Do you?" he looked her in the eye, and Monica sighed in frustration. "And I don't need it anyway. I'm fine."

"Obviously," she scoffed. "Look, Chandler-"

"I said I'm fine!" he repeated, and Monica was taken back by the fact that he'd yelled it. She couldn't ever remember him yelling at her before. Not with any fight, any argument they'd had. He wasn't the kind of person who yelled. She was the kind of person who yelled, but not him.

"We're just trying to help!" she yelled back, frustrated.

"Well I don't need your help! Just…mind you own business, okay?"

Monica looked at him, shocked and hurt. When had he stopped being her business? When had he stopped being Joey or Rachel or Ross or Phoebe's business? 

"Well I'm sorry for intruding on your life," she finally said quietly, turning to leave and letting the door slam shut behind her.

~*~

"Hey, Chandler," Joey knocked on his door, going through a stack of bills. "Chandler," he repeated, walking in when there was still no response. "Do you know if-" he stopped suddenly, the envelopes in his hands falling to the ground at the sight in front of him.

Chandler's body sprawled out on the floor, covered in blood.

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I see it around me, I see it in everything

I could be so much more than this

I said my goodbye's, this is my sundown

I'm gonna be so much more than this

Good goodbye lovely time

Good goodbye tin sunshine

Good goodbye, I'll be fine

Good goodbye, good goodnight

(_My Sundown_, Jimmy Eat World)

tbc…

Um, I'm definitely a poetry-illiterate person…but I wrote the poem at the beginning of this chapter, so don't like rip me apart if it completely sucks, lol. And I also wrote the one at the beginning of the first chapter. Oh, and, um, I'd like to point out something so incredibly ironic…so I had this conversation with Becca after I'd finished Butterfly Kisses (I don't know if you even remember…me and my damn photographic memory…) and she said something to the extent of "you've had Chandler cheat on Monica and killed him…what are you gonna do next? Have him kill himself?" Um, I was actually laughing hysterically when she said that…cuz I'd already had part of this fic planned out, but I didn't want to be like "yeah, that's the plot of my next fic." Sorry, just thought it was ironic (and I've been dying to tell that story for the past month, lol)…Please review…and please don't kill me :)


	7. Chapter 7

Evanescent

Chapter 7

Ladies and Gentlemen…it is SO summer, a woo-hoo!!! (well, it is for me anyway…) I survived 10th grade relatively unscarred :-D but, um, one piece of advice for anyone wanting to take it…don't, I repeat, do NOT take honors precalc…just…don't…**trust** me, lol. If you do, you'll want to shoot your brains out *sighs* thank **god** that class is over…but, hey, let's not dwell on that…let's dwell on summer, shall we? Hehe, dwell is such an awesome word…but anyway, here's the next part of the fic…

Rachel and Monica stood in the elevator, impatiently watching as the numbers lit up one by one as they passed by each floor, the length of time between each seeming longer than the one before. An eternity between the time the doors opened, doctors, patients and visitors got off, and it closed again, the number of times the doors opened and closed seeming infinite.

"Why, on a Monday morning when you're dreading getting into work, and all you want are those few more seconds before you get there, does the elevator only take a few seconds…no one getting on and off, it doesn't take forever, just, bam, you're there," Rachel finally said. "But then, when you're actually in a hurry, when you actually want to get where you're going, it takes forever…"

"Cause life's just that cruel," Monica replied evenly, not looking at her as she said it, but still staring at the doors, waiting for them to open as they finally reached the floor they needed to get off on.

Rachel glanced at Monica for only a moment before they both stepped off the elevator, searching for Ross, Joey, or Phoebe.

"Mon, Rach," they both looked in the direction of Ross' voice, hurrying over when they finally spotted him. 

"What the hell happened?"

"Is he okay?"

Monica and Rachel both began asking questions at the same time.

"Hey, you guys, just…slow down," he said, trying to stay calm himself. "Um…" he trailed off, taking a deep breath, willing himself to speak. "He-he slit his wrists," he began quietly, trying not to register the looks on the girls' faces as he spoke, "and they said that he-that he lost a lot of blood…but they really won't tell us anything else," he paused again, looking over in Joey's direction, where Phoebe was also sitting. "Joey found him…and he-he hasn't said a word since I got here…"

"Can we-can we see him?" Monica finally asked, and Ross shook his head.

"They said that they'd come back out and let us know when we can…"

Monica sighed, sinking into one of the unpleasantly hard waiting room chairs.

"I shouldn't have left," she finally said, almost whispering the words she'd been thinking since they'd gotten the call from Ross.

"What?" Rachel looked up at her.

"Earlier…we had this stupid fight, me and Chandler…and he yelled, so I yelled, and I just…left," she sighed again. "I should've stayed…"

"Mon, you couldn't have known," Ross said. "You can't blame yourself. It is **not** your fault."

"But what if I'd stayed and talked to him instead of yelling and leaving?" she turned to face her brother. "You don't know!"

"And you don't know that it would have made a difference."

"And you don't know that it wouldn't have," Monica looked up at him, trying hard to hold back her tears.

Ross looked down at the blue and white checkered tile floor as he took a deep breath. When he finally looked back up at her, she was already looking away.

"Do you want to read the note?" he finally whispered, and both Monica's and Rachel's heads snapped up at the question.

"Sure," Rachel said quietly, Monica nodding.

He took the folded piece of notebook paper out of his pocket, and when Monica took it from his hands, she suddenly realized that that was what he'd been writing when she'd walked in earlier. She slowly unfolded it, holding it so that both she and Rachel could read it.

There were parts about each of them, for each of them. Thanking Joey for being the best roommate ever, Ross for being the best friend, Phoebe for her contagious happiness, Rachel for being there, telling each of them how much he loved them. Monica read through all of it, seeing the part about her last. She took a deep breath, not sure that she could handle reading it.

__

Mon, I'm sorry for yelling at you and for making you cry. And, yes, of course I know that by yelling at you I made you cry. I regretted it the second you slammed the door, and I'm sorry for hurting you. Thank you for caring…I love you.

And then he skipped two lines, writing the words _It's not your fault _in the middle of the third. But it was how he ended it that sent shivers up her spine.

__

So hold me when I'm here

Love me when I'm gone

You can hold me when I'm scared

But you won't always be there

So love me when I'm gone…

~*~

"Mon," Rachel nudged her, and Monica sat up slowly, realizing that Rachel had woken her up because a doctor had finally come out to tell them what was going on. She stood up immediately, following Rachel over to where they were standing.

She listened as the doctor spoke, not even able to concentrate fully on his words as the whole situation began to sink in. She caught the word "coma" and that his reply had been "yes" when Ross asked if they could see him now, but the details hadn't registered. She sat back down between Rachel and Phoebe, still in a trance, watching Ross follow the doctor down the hallway.

It was all suddenly so real.

She was still aware of the people talking around her, the doctors being paged over the intercom, the people coming and going…but it was all as if it were a dream.

What if she had walked in 15 minutes later? Would she have been the one to find him? Lying on the floor, covered in blood? She could suddenly understand why Joey wasn't speaking, was just sitting there, staring into space…

"Mon," Rachel said. "Monica," she repeated as Ross came back. "You wanna go first, or…?"

"Sure," Monica said quietly, standing up. She walked down hallway, staring at the desolate hospital walls, stopping when she got to his room, pausing for a moment before walking in.

She slowly walked over, sitting down in the chair beside his bed. Taking a deep shaky breath, she reached for his hand. He was pale, very pale, but beside that and the stitches covered by bandages across his wrists, he looked no different than usual.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered, the tears once again beginning to form. "I'm sorry I yelled at you and I'm sorry I left…I should've stayed," she paused, wiping her eyes with her free hand. "I'm sorry," she repeated, kissing his hand. "But please don't leave," she choked out. "Cause I'll love you when you're gone, but I'll-I'll love you even more if you stay…" she trailed off once again, finally allowing herself to break down crying as she buried her face in his chest, praying to God or anyone else who might be listening that he'd be okay.

~*~

They say there are different levels of consciousness…many levels between awake, asleep, and dead…and though you're aware, you can hear the talking, you can't feel what's happening…it all feels like a dream…as if you're hearing parts of someone else's dream…or hearing a television from the next room…and though I almost want to fight it off and wake up…a part of me is already too far gone…and it's just so much easier not to…

__

Roaming through this darkness

I'm alive, but I'm alone

Part of me is fighting this

But part of me is gone

(_When I'm Gone_, 3 Doors Down)

Tbc…

please review…thanks a bunch :) and, um, my first real day of work is tomorrow…wish me luck…


	8. Chapter 8

Evanescent

Chapter 8

I'm sure that at some point in time you have all heard how mean Becca insists that I am to her…well, I would just like to point out how big of a hypocrite my dear friend Becca is. 

Me: I can't believe I have a fic I never named…TOW I can't think of a title…

Bec: haha! thats funny!

Bec: u were funny when u were younger

Bec: what happened?

Bec: now ure just funny looking!

(in a review) "I'll save you, Chandler! And then we can make fun of Jamie together!"

And she dubbed me her "blondest" friend…

Yeah, *I'm* obviously the mean one…and how many times has my dear friend Becca threatened me in a review/made fun of me in her AN/called me a bitch in a review? Yeah, I now, I can't count that high either. And she seems to have this idea that I murdered Chandler…but I didn't. I just killed him. Murdering him would be holding a gun to his head and being the one to pull the trigger, which, might I add, would be extremely hard to do considering the fact that *gasp* he's **not** real! *lets out a deep breath of relief* okay, I'm done now, lol…I can go back to being the **nice** one…

__

Wake me up inside

I can't wake up inside

Call my name and save me from the dark

Bid my blood to run

Before I come undone

Save me from the nothing I've become

(_Bring me to life_, Evanescence)

"C'mon," Monica muttered, wondering why after last time she hadn't just used the stairs. Rachel had called and said to come to the hospital, not saying anything else. No explanation, no reason, just come.

So she could only think that the worst had happened.

Monica closed her eyes. No, she couldn't allow herself to think that. Because it wasn't true. It couldn't be true.

When the doors opened, she immediately hurried out, heading over to where the others were.

"Rach," she said quietly, causing Rachel to turn around. "What happened? Is he okay? Did he-"

"Mon, calm down. It's nothing like that," she smiled at her. "He's awake."

~*~

Monica once again stopped outside the door to Chandler's room, not sure that she could go in. There were so many things that had been running through her head, so many questions she'd been dying to ask him…Why? What the hell had he been thinking? How could he be so selfish? How could he have looked her in the eye hours before and insisted that he was fine?

But as she took a deep breath, finally working up the nerve to walk in, none of those questions seemed to matter. It all faded away the second that she saw him. As soon as she walked through the door, he made eye contact, holding it as she crossed the room, sitting down in the chair beside his bed. And he still didn't break it, neither of them saying a word, neither knowing what to say, as he silently took her hand.

Monica didn't look down when she felt him reach for her hand, allowing him to take it as she stared back into his eyes. She was suddenly unable to come up with a word to say, the questions that had been running through her head earlier suddenly seeming all too inappropriate.

He traced circles on her hand with his thumb as they continued to hold the stare, both daring the other to speak first, to break the not as awkward of a silence as it should have been. He finally squeezed her hand, and she looked down, breaking the gaze. But when she looked down at their hands, fingers intertwined, there was only one thing she saw, bringing her out of her trance and back to reality.

The cuts going across his wrists.

Tbc…

Did anybody catch that? If you're going "what the hell is there to catch" then I'm thinking you didn't…man, I hope someone caught it…and sorry this chapter was so short…I'm extremely stuck ;) oh, and me? Kill Chandler again? Do you have any idea how hard that was to do the first time? Come on, people, you know me better than that… ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Evanescent

Chapter 9

Okay, I think I'm gonna change the title of this cuz I seriously hate the title Alone. I only named it that cuz I wanted to post it and couldn't think of a better title. So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna change the title to Evanescent (if you're like Becca and wondering why I'd make that the title, the meaning of the word evanescent is vanishing from notice…). So I just thought I'd tell you ahead of time so I don't completely confuse the crap out of all of you, lol. And to all of you who got what there was to get at the end of the last chapter, thank you, lol. Becca was like "no one's gonna get that" but you people did, so thank you for proving her wrong. And if you didn't get it, read the first paragraph of chapter 6 and then the last part of the chapter 8…and if you still don't get it, read the reviews of the people that did get it or e-mail me or something, lol. And, yes, I do realize that life half of my fics aren't actually fics, it's the story of my life. I'm glad you find it amusing…I have to write something funny or else I'd go insane from all these sad, angsty fics. So, speaking of that, funny story. At like 12:30 last night, I decide to clean out a drawer in my dresser cuz it won't shut so it was bugging. No big deal, right? Yeah, well since I clean out one drawer, I clean out the next one, too…and pretty soon my entire dresser. And then, since my dresser is all clean and organized, I get this urge to clean out my closet…so I end up cleaning out my entire closet too, lol…turns out there's a floor in there…hey, who knew…so it was a little before 3 before I finally got to bed…and Becca says I 'm compulsive like Monica *scoffs* Anybody else see it?

__

I stand with a blank expression now

I can't believe myself

Would someone tell me

How did I get here

(_Anchor_, Lifehouse)

Chandler squeezed her hand once again, hoping that she'd look back up. Monica slowly did look back up to him, again meeting his gaze, though now the questions once again ran through her mind. 

But they both still had yet to speak

~*~

I know what she's thinking, what she's wondering. I saw the change in her expression when she looked down, realization hitting her. I know the cause of the change in the look on her face.

After all, I am that reason.

The only thing is…I don't know the answers to the questions that are inevitably running through her mind. Because I don't even know what I'm thinking. I just…I don't know.

And I'm so completely lost that I don't even know where to begin with myself, let alone where to begin with her.

~*~

Chandler swallowed, wetting his lips as he took a deep breath, willing himself to speak, trying to find his voice.

"I don't know," he finally whispered.

"What?" Monica wrinkled her forehead. Had she asked a question out loud without realizing it?

"I don't know," he repeated. "I don't know how I got here, how I got to this point in time, this point in my life…I just…I don't know," he looked down, about to laugh or cry, he wasn't sure which, but too ashamed to hold eye contact.

"Chandler," Monica finally said softly. "Chandler," she repeated when he didn't look up the first time. "I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

"For yelling at you, for our fight…for leaving when I knew I should've stayed…" she trailed off.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he looked her in the eye. " I yelled first, I started it, and I would've left, too, if I were you," he replied softly, praying that the tears in her eyes wouldn't turn to crying, not sure that he could handle that.

"I'm still sorry…"

"Oh, Mon. Come here," he held his arms out to her, and she immediately accepted, sitting on the edge of the bed, allowing him to wrap his arms around her. She clung to him, burying her face in his chest, hating herself for crying again. "Don't for a second blame yourself," he finally whispered into her hair before kissing her, closing his eyes, clinging to her as tightly as she was clinging to him.

~*~

I fucked up. Once again, fucked up. Like I said before, story of my life.

But I don't actually remember making the conscious decision and running the blade across my wrists. I don't remember that. I do remember hesitating, though, almost not doing it.

And Monica blames herself, thinks that she's the reason. But, seriously, she couldn't **be** more wrong.

She was my moment of hesitation.

I don't know why it was her, but she was it. She was the reason that I hesitated. All of a sudden, I saw her, the hurt look on her face when I yelled at her. I seriously don't think I've ever actually yelled at her before, and I knew that it must've hurt like hell. And then I remembered the look on her face when I said I'd go to the hockey game with her, the feel of her lips against mine when she kissed me before leaving. And just…everything about her. 

She was my last coherent thought.

And I know that I owe explanations to other people, that I have other friends to talk to, doctors...all that good stuff that arrives after your moment of weakness passes. But I just-I can't let go of her right now. I don't know why, I just…**can't**. I-I need her.

And that thought scares the shit out of me.

I actually need someone.

Tbc…

Updating that soon make up for the short chapters? Sfgrl-you can update now :-D And the rest of you can review…and remember that I'm gonna change the title, lol. Evanescent…


	10. Chapter 10

Evanescent

Chapter 10

Thanks for the reviews again. And, um, this is going to sound kind of stupid, but someone reviewed _Always and Forever_ and said that they hadn't read it yet and asked me to e-mail them, but that was the day that ff.net erased all of the reviews from that day so I don't know who it was. So I'm hoping that you're reading this…and if you are, tell me and I'll e-mail you cuz I feel horrible, lol. Oh, and has anyone's grandmother ever used the phrase "screwing every guy in sight" in front of them before? Yeah, I definitely died laughing when mine did, lol. This is also the same grandma I got hooked on Friends, hehe ;)

Yeah, um, sorry to continue the long AN, but-but I just found out that my aunt, my _favorite_ aunt is probably moving t-to Lon-London *sobs* Do you have any idea how far away that is from me? *sobs* And, yes, I am just that selfish. I hate when people move…I hated when my friend who lived across the street moved 10 minutes away…but London…that's…in a wh-whole other c-country… *trails off crying*

__

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am

(_Iris, _Goo Goo Dolls)

I hate shrinks. Just…hate them. The whole concept of them. I mean, someone being paid to listen to your problems. Of course they're going to act like they care. Hell, for a couple hundred bucks an hour, I'd act like I gave a shit, too. And of course they're not actually going to cure you right away. The sooner they cure you, the sooner you stop coming, the more money they lose. 

And they just sit there, pretending to care, writing about you. And you don't know what they're writing, but it's about you. Or it'd be assumed that it's about you anyway. Why doesn't that creep more people than just me out? 

Someone please explain to me why some people swear by these people.

Seriously, how much can a person being paid to care really care?

~*~

"So, Chandler, tell me about yourself," he sat in the chair, legs crossed, notebook in lap, expensive pen in hand, glasses on the tip of his nose.

__

God, he even looks like a shrink Chandler thought as he fought himself not to laugh, shifting his concentration instead to the horrid-yellow flower covered wallpaper behind his head, hoping that it still looked like he was looking at him.

"Um, well, I'm a data processor, I-"

"And do you define yourself by your job?" he cut him off.

"Well, no…" Chandler looked at him uncertainly, finally making eye contact.

"Well then skip that part. Tell me about yourself," he repeated, emphasizing the last sentence.

Chandler sat for a few seconds, trying to decide what he could say that would please him. "Um, I'm 28, I hate my job, I'm an only child, my mother writes erotic novels, my father headlines for a gay burlesque show in Vegas and I'm pretty sure that any other questions you have about my life can probably be answered by knowing that," he finally said, causing him to laugh.

"Fair enough," he smiled, and Chandler decided that this unbearable little man looked much more bearable when he was smiling. "So are you close to them?"

"My parents? No," he immediately replied. 

"Is that a recent happening, or…"

Chandler shook his head. "No, I, um, I haven't really spoken to my father in years and my mom," he laughed shaking his head. "You heard what I said earlier, right? My mom would make a much better friend than a mother…"

The doctor nodded, writing something down. Chandler stared at the cardboard back, wishing that he were Peter Parker so that he could see through it and read what was being written about him. He paused for a second; Peter Parker was Superman, right? And he was the one who could see through walls and stuff, right? Or-

Chandler looked up, suddenly realizing that he'd been asked another question. "I'm sorry, what?" he finally said, not having heard a word of what was just asked.

"Has there been any recent change in your life?" he repeated slowly, and Chandler hated that he'd asked it as if directing it toward a child.

"Um, I guess I broke up with my girlfriend…" 

"And how did that end?" he asked without looking up as he continued to make note of what was said on his yellow legal pad.

"I was too immature to trust her so she cheated on me," he replied quietly and quickly. The doctor nodded, noticing that he'd blamed himself and taking note of it. "She's not why, though."

"Excuse me?" he looked up from his writing.

"She's not why. It's not because of her, if that's what you were writing," he motioned to his pad of paper.

"I never said she was," he looked up for another couple of seconds before once again writing.

"Look, is this psych consul or whatever she called it just to see if I'm crazy or something? Because I'm really pretty sure that I'm not crazy…"

"I'd really have to say that most legally insane people believe that they are sane," he peered at him over his glasses as he continued to write. "Though, I'm pretty sure that you are not crazy," he offered a small smiled as he stood up, walking over to Chandler's bed, handing him a card. "I'm going to recommend you for psychotherapy, which is basically what we've been doing. Talking," he paused as Chandler looked down at the card in his hand, unsure. "You don't like 'shrinks,' do you?" he finally asked, making air quotes around the word shrinks.

"No! It's not that, it's just…" Chandler trailed. "Well, no, nothing personal, but not so much…" he finally admitted.

"We're really not that bad," he smiled once again, handing him another piece of paper. "That's a prescription for an antidepressant. We'll probably need to play around with different medications until we get it right. Which is another reason that I'll be expecting to hear from you," he tapped his card. "You don't call within a week and schedule an appointment, I'll track you down. Don't think I won't, I've done it before," he looked him in the eye before turning to go.

"Um, doctor…" Chandler trailed off, suddenly realizing that he hadn't been paying attention when he'd introduced himself.

"Nelson," he smiled, pausing in the doorway as he turned back to face him, giving him time to say what he needed to say.

"I didn't do it right," he finally said, almost not even whispering, sounding like a small child confessing to breaking something that they weren't supposed to be plying with in the first place.

"Do what right?" he asked, looking at him curiously as he walked back into the room.

"You're supposed to cut down, not across…" he trailed off, still quietly.

"And who told you that?" he asked, wondering if he'd known before or just realized it.

"Some kid in high school," he shrugged, and Dr. Nelson smiled at that. 

That was what he'd been waiting for him to say. As indirect as it was, it was the one thing he'd been waiting to be told, the one thing that most suicide attempts would admit to afterward.

He didn't really want to die.

Tbc…

Please review…thanks bunches :)


	11. Chapter 11

Evanescent

Chapter 11

Thanks again for the reviews :) and I'm glad those of you that still hadn't got what there was to get finally got it, glad I didn't loose you (lol, I'm sorry, I couldn't not do that ;) you're not gonna update for a month now, are you?). Oh, and I have a question. Am I like the only person in the world who doesn't like Dawson's Creek? Like, I cannot stand the show, lol, but everyone I know loves it. And I've tried to watch it, there's reruns on in the morning, but I just…I can't, lol. So am I alone or can anyone else out there not stand it? Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Okay…

__

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll

I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds

But, oh, God, I feel I've been lied to

Lost all faith in everything that I have achieved

I've woken now to find myself

In the shadows of all I have created

(_Away From Me, _Evanescence)

"Hey."

Chandler immediately looked up, the voice belonging to the one person whom he'd least expected to come. Everyone else had come to see him, everyone but Joey. So he really hadn't expected him to be the one to come bring him home.

"Hey, Joe," he replied quietly, trying to read the look in his eyes. 

Joey slowly took a step toward where Chandler was standing, and from the look on his face, he could tell that Joey was either going to hit him or hug him.

Chandler tried to come up with something to say to him, to formulate at least a single sentence, anything. Joey had found him; he'd gathered that much from his absence. So what needed to be said, what words could be deemed appropriate, he had no idea. Nothing seemed to fit.

Joey finally cleared his throat, breaking the all too awkward of a silence for there to be between two best friends. "Monica's on her way. We're supposed to wait for her before we leave," he finally said quietly.

"Oh, um, okay," Chandler replied, still fighting with himself for the right words to say.

"Don't ever do anything like that again," Joey continued, and Chandler looked up, surprised. "You have no idea what it's like to think that you're going to lose one of the most important people in your life," he made eye contact, and Chandler was surprised by the fact that he could tell he was holding back tears.

"Joe, I'm **so** sorry, I didn't even-"

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad," Joey sighed, interrupting him. "I just…I couldn't take it if I lost you, Chandler. You're the closest thing to a brother that I've ever had. You're my best friend. And I-I love you…We all do," he paused, leaning back against the bed, next to where Chandler was standing.

"I know," Chandler whispered, eyes fixed on the floor out of guilt, whether that had been Joey's intent or not.

"And Monica…she feels guilty…"

"I thought I talked to her…"

"You know Monica," Joey laughed, and Chandler finally looked back up at him. "And speaking of," they both looked up as Monica walked in. "Hey."

"Hey," she smiled seeing them, happy that Joey had finally come to see Chandler. "You ready to get out of here?"

"God, yes," Chandler returned her smile as the guys stood up, ready to go. 

Joey grabbed the bag that they had brought for him with clothes and stuff in it, leading the way out the door. As they walked through the door, Monica slipped her hand into Chandler's, and at that action, Chandler closed his eyes, the true weight of his actions finally sinking in.

~*~

Ever suddenly realize just how bad you fucked up?

I hurt them. Intentionally or not, I hurt the most important people in my life. I've never seen that look in Joey's eyes before. That look that borders on pain and anger, not sure which one is the stronger emotion. Not even when he found out that I was the "other guy" when his relationship with Kathy ended was it that look. An almost betrayed look.

But I'm with him on everything he said. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a brother. I mean, yeah, there's Ross and he's been one of my best friends since college, but…he's not Joey. It's not the same thing.

And Monica. I wouldn't intentionally hurt her if my life depended on it. But here I am; I hurt her. And I have a feeling that the fact that I yelled at her is still part of what's killing her the most. 

And as much as I love the rest of them, I didn't see the same look in anyone else's eyes but theirs. They were all mad, glad, happy, sad, whatever…but it wasn't the same. They were hurt, sure…but it wasn't that almost betrayed look that Joey had in his eyes.

But like I said before, story of a fuck up.

I just hurt two of the most important people in my life.

Tbc…

My cell phone just rang once and then turned itself off…and it wasn't cuz the battery's low…how weird is that? But anyway, review, please. Hm, doesn't that sound bossier? Like, bossier than please review? Please review sounds nice…review, please sounds bossy…and I sound insane, so I'll shut up…


	12. Chapter 12

Evanescent

Chapter 12

(overly giddy and excited) "The really hot life guard said hi to me at work today!"

(mockingly) "Really? Said hi? When's the wedding?!"

Face eathing in yellow pants :-D Yeah, so, after talking to Becca about the faciest face eating for two hours a couple nights ago, I go downstairs to get my glasses so I can put them on after I take out my contacts. So, I'm looking around, wondering where I left them…and it takes a few minutes for me to realize that I'm already wearing my glasses, lol. Yeah, that's what talking about face eating (or, if you're me, face eathing) for an extended amount of time does to you…or that's what 3 in the morning does to you. So if you're interested, my best buddy Becca (I love saying that, lol) has a list of the top five Monica and Chandler faciest face eatings…and if you have NO idea what the hell I'm talking about, just nod and smile…and then read my fic…oookay….

__

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now

(_Wonderful, _Everclear)

Monica walked into the guys' apartment, surprised to find Chandler already up. She hadn't been able to sleep and had decided to get up and make breakfast, not expecting anyone else to be up yet.

"Hey," Chandler said, not looking up from the newspaper in his hands. "What's a eight-letter word for explode?"

"What?" Monica laughed, sitting on the stool next to him at the foosball table.

"Crossword," he smiled, showing it to her. "I have three left," he grinned proudly.

"Three left?" she asked and he nodded. "Is that today's paper?"

"Yep," he replied, chewing on the pen cap.

"How long have you been up?"

"Since before the paper even got here," he laughed.

"Couldn't sleep?" he shook his head, still staring down. "Me neither," she continued to watch him, deep in thought. "So," she continued, trying to keep up the conversation, the silence between them still unbearably awkward. "It's crazy about Ross and Emily, huh?"

"What about them?" he asked, once again without looking up.

"That they're getting married."

"Ross is getting married?" his head immediately snapped up, and Monica realized she'd just managed to fit her entire foot into her mouth.

He hadn't known.

"Um, yes…"

"Why didn't he tell me?" he asked, more hurt than mad.

"I don't know, honey, he probably just assumed that one of us said something about it."

"But he's the one getting married, why wouldn't he tell me?" Chandler looked at her, not really expecting her to answer, but when she didn't, sighed. "Detonate."

"What?"

"Eight-letter word for explode…detonate…" he looked down, filling it in.

"Chandler…"

"Hm?" he didn't look up.

"Chandler," she repeated.

"I'm fine," he said quietly, and Monica sighed, the awkward silence filling the room once again.

"Want some breakfast?"

"Sure," he continued without looking up. "There's already coffee made if you want some."

Monica sighed, watching him. She could tell that he was hurt, which he had every right to be; one of his best friends hadn't told him he was getting married. She finally stood up, deciding that she'd have a talk with Ross later before starting on her original intent- breakfast.

~*~

"So guess who found out you were getting married today?" Monica asked as she sat down, joining everyone minus Chandler in sitting in the living room eating (I so just typed eathing…seriously, what is wrong with me? lol…).

"Who?" Ross asked, taking a bite of his pizza.

"Chandler," Monica replied, and everyone immediately turned to him, shocked.

"You didn't tell Chandler you were getting married?" Rachel stared at him in disbelief.

"Dude," Joey shook his head disapprovingly.

"Joe, you knew I didn't tell him," Ross looked at Joey.

"No, I didn't! I just knew he wasn't gonna be your best man!" Joey replied defensively.

Ross sighed as the three girls continued to stare at him, waiting for his explanation.

"Look, I just-I didn't know how to tell him that I was getting married, but that he wasn't going to be my best man…"

"Well **that** makes it better, then," Rachel said sarcastically.

"I know it sounds stupid, but…"

"It's only gonna kill him more when you tell him now because of the fact that you're getting married didn't come from you," Phoebe said, and the others nodded in agreement.

"I know, and I feel horrible, but I just-I didn't know how to tell him that."

"And why exactly don't you want him to be your best man?' Monica asked, and Joey looked down. He's been wondering that, too. Even though he loved the thought of being his best man, Ross had known Chandler for so much longer that he seemed like the more logical choice.

"It's not that I don't want him to be," Ross started. "It's just that… I don't know if he could-if he could…handle everything that needs to be done right now…"

"Ross, it's not like he-" Monica stopped suddenly when the door opened, Chandler walking in.

Chandler looked around at his five friends who'd suddenly gotten all too quiet. "Ya know, it's really not too obvious that you were talking about a person when you immediately stop talking as soon as they enter the room," he looked around, all of them avoiding eye contact. Chandler looked down, shaking his head. "Stop, just…stop," he finally said.

"Stop what?" Phoebe asked, the first to finally look up at him.

"Stop **this**," he motioned with his hands. "Stop putting on this act, stop walking on eggshells around me!" he paused, looking at Ross. "I'm a big boy, I can handle it," he added before turning toward his room. 

Everyone looked around, Monica standing up to follow him.

"Leave me alone, Mon," he said without turning around, assuming that she'd follow him, and Monica immediately stopped, letting him slam his door shut behind him.

Chandler sighed as he collapsed down onto his bed, burying his face in a pillow. "I said leave me alone, Mon," he repeated, hearing the door open.

"What if it's not Monica?"

Chandler immediately got up, looking up at Ross, more hurt than anything else. As Ross stared back, he suddenly realized just how vulnerable Chandler looked. He'd never seen him completely vulnerable, defenses let down.

And Chandler knew it.

When Ross had walked in, it'd been too late. Too late to pretend it was okay. Too late to play it off and say something sarcastic. Monica had seen this side of him before, defenses let down, crying over something; Rachel even had on occasion. But in all of the years he'd known Ross, he never had. He'd never let himself.

"Look, man, I'm sorry that-"

"Whatever," Chandler cut him off, shaking his head as he walked across the room. "I'm sure you had your reasons," he grabbed a pack of cigarettes off his dresser before walking out the door, crossing the apartment, ignoring everyone and retreating to the solitude of the balcony.

Monica followed him this time, whether he wanted to be alone or not.

"Mon-"

"Chandler," she interrupted him before he had the chance to tell her to leave. 

"Look, Mon, just leave me alone…I'm fine," he looked her in the eye, turning away with a sigh when she didn't respond or leave.

"You're allowed to not be fine," she finally said, and he turned to her. "You're allowed to have emotions, to let them show, to stop hiding behind the jokes and the sarcasm…You're allowed to cry…" she stared him in the eye before he looked down, biting his bottom lip. "Chandler, I didn't mean anyth-"

Chandler shook his head. "No, you did," he said, almost laughing. "You're right," he looked up at her. "God, you're right," he got up from leaning back against the balcony, crossing to the other side, facing away from her. Monica followed after a few minutes, walking over to him and putting her hand on his back.

"You okay?" she said quietly, not meaning to have offended him.

He looked up at her, and it was then that she realized he was crying. "Yeah," he smiled at her ironically. "Wonderful…"

Monica leaned in, hugging him tightly. "Do you wanna…talk?"

"Yeah," he pulled away, going back over to the window, offering his hand for her to take. "Talking would be good."

Tbc…

Yeah, I was gonna have there be more to this chapter, but I decided to split it into two parts or this one would've ended up being insanely long. So please review, and I'll have the next part up soon :)


	13. Chapter 13

Evanescent

Chapter 13

Why, right after you paint your nails do you always have to go to the bathroom? I mean, seriously, always. Ergh. Maybe it's just me cuz I'm such a horrible person. And I am a horrible horrible person cuz I…I stood a guy up. And not only that but…on his birthday *looks down in shame*. Seriously, I'm a horrible person. But if you knew the reason I didn't go, it doesn't make me look quite as bad. But I still look pretty damn horrible. I blew the poor, cute, blond hair, blue-eyed guy off on his birthday. *sighs* Oh, and Becca-we scare Allie *grins* 

_Don't be fooled by me_

_Don't be fooled by the face I wear_

_For I wear a mask, a thousand masks_

_Masks that I'm afraid to take off_

_And none of them are me_

_Pretending is an art that's second nature to me_

_But don't be fooled_

_For God's sake, don't be fooled_

_I give you the impression that I'm secure_

_That all is sunny and unruffled_

_Within as well as without_

_That confidence is my name and coolness my game_

_That the water's calm and I'm in command_

_And that I need no one_

_But don't believe me_

_The surface may seem smooth_

_But my surface is my mask_

_Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence_

_Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness_

_But I hide this_

_I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed_

_That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind_

_A nonchalant, sophisticated façade to help me pretend_

_To shield me from the glance that knows_

_But such a glance is precisely my salvation_

(_Please Hear What I'm Not Saying_, Author Unknown)

You hide in the shadows for so long, you inevitably become a part of them. You blend into the shadows that linger, leaving a distorted image of what's really there, not really meaning anything to anyone, but there nonetheless. Just…there. There for people to walk all over, walk through, take refuge in, seek comfort in…but only momentarily. Then they return to their lives. But the shadow remains. It may not matter, but it is still there. It only distorts the true image, not destroy it completely.

But it's still there.

And that's me. Hiding, lingering. No one quite sees the real me, only a distorted image of what is really there. I'm not me. I mean, I am, but…I'm not. I'm not who everyone sees. I've built a wall so fucking thick that no one can break it down, let alone see through it. No one can get in. And it's not that I don't want them to, it's just…subconscious. I've been hurt so many times, lied to, cheated, taken advantage of…After awhile, it's like fuck it, why let someone in only to get hurt? 

So I hide behind sarcasm and a quick wit. I hide behind the jokes and the making everyone laugh; I use it to keep them at a distance. You don't let them in, you don't get close, and you can't get hurt.

But I've never really been called on it before. I mean, sort of, but not by anyone who matters enough to me for me to actually listen. But…it's true. And I'm just now letting myself realize that it's true. And I'm not really sure what to do…whether to laugh or cry or kiss her. But…it's true.

And I have a feeling that she just saved me more by saying that than Joey did by picking up the phone and dialing 911.

~*~

Once inside, they just sat in silence, neither one knowing what to say, where to begin. Everyone else had left, assuming that Chandler wanted to be alone, and it was now dead silence. But not as awkward of a silence as it had been lately. It was still awkward, just not as much. 

Chandler finally looked up, feeling Monica's eyes on him still, and he smiled slightly. "You're so right by everything that you just said that I don't even know where to begin…"

"Begin with what?"

"Everything…nothing…" he trailed off, shrugging.

"What? Chandler, you're not making any sense…"

"Because it doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't?"

"Anything," he smiled at her, and she continued to stare back in confusion. "But…you were right. When you said that I hide…behind the sarcasm and jokes…and I just…I feel like I've been hiding for so long that…no one knows me…"

"We know you…"

"Not really, though," he sighed, standing up and beginning to pace. "I mean, you do better than most people, but this is just another reason that I don't let people in. Ross lied to me. He didn't even tell me he was getting married! I mean, he's one of my best friends, he has been for over ten years and he doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me that he's getting married! And I trusted him…maybe too much. That's what I get for trusting someone, I guess. And that's why you scare me to death…"

"I scare you?"

"Not _you_ scare me, but…" he sighed, stopping in place. "I need you…and I can't let myself need you because I'll just get hurt…and I trust you so completely that it scares the shit out of me and I don't know why."

"It scares you that you trust me or that you'll get hurt?"

"Both, I guess…"

"Chandler, I swear to God, I'll never hurt you," she walked over to where he was standing, looking him in the eye.

"And that's what everyone says," he replied evenly, and Monica looked down, hurt. Chandler sighed. "I didn't mean to offend you by that, it's just…true…"

"But, Chandler, you don't even have a chance of not getting hurt if you don't give people the chance to not hurt you."

"But I have," he looked her in the eye, and it was then that it clicked. Kathy. That was why she was the last straw for him. He'd loved her. He'd _trusted_ her. He'd given her his heart, and she'd broken it. 

And Ross. He really had trusted Ross, whether he'd realized it or not, and he'd just broken that trust. And she knew that it wouldn't take much more than one wrong word at the moment for her to do the same, to completely lose him. And she couldn't take that. He was still barely speaking to anyone else. More so since he'd come home, but it still wasn't the same. But he would talk to her, though. And he'd just admitted that he needed her, that he trusted her. 

And she had no clue what he wanted in response.

So she kissed him. A soft kiss on the lips that lasted only a moment too long, and before he could process it, she wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. And he hugged back. Holding her, clinging to her, needing her more than he'd ever admit… But then it hit him.

He _had_ just admitted it.

But maybe…maybe that was okay.

Tbc…

Yeah, I'm trying really hard to wrap this up…my computer's broke right now, but I'll try to get the next part up soon, if I have the chance. And, um…this is dedicated to my "Monica" ;)


	14. Chapter 14

Evanescent           

Chapter 14

"Who the hell made him supervisor?! Seriously, take a retarded monkey…yeah, that would make a better supervisor than him."

Okay, so you know those Got Milk? adds? How they say to drink milk cuz 15% of your height is added during your teenage years? Yeah, they definitely lie. Because I have definitely **not** grown at all since I was 12. So that would be none of my height added during my teenage years. None, zip, zilch, nada, rien…And don't say that there's still hope that I'll grow cuz both of my parents are short. But I've made my peace with being short. So, yeah, I just thought that I'd point out that little bit of false advertising :) And I'm done now…Oh, and the way this computer formats HTML is different from the way my computer does it…I think cuz it's a different version of Word…but anyway, if this is messed up, bear with me, I'm trying, lol.

Your words to me just a whisper 

_Your face is so unclear_

_I try to pay attention_

_Your words just disappear_

_'Cause it's always raining in my head_

_Forget all the things I should have said_

_So I speak to you in riddles_

_'Cause my words get in my way_

_So I smoke this whole thing to my head_

_And I feel it wash away_

_'Cause I can't take anymore of this_

_I want to come apart_

_Or dig myself a little hole_

_Inside you precious heart_

_'Cause it's always raining in my head_

(_Epiphany_, Staind)

Chandler half rolled over, unconsciously burying his head in the crook of Monica's neck, tightening his arms around her. They'd stayed up for most of the night talking, eventually falling asleep on the couch. They'd gotten everywhere but nowhere, a lot accomplished but nothing really. 

Ross walked into Chandler and Joey's apartment. The night before he had decided that he needed to apologize to Chandler and explain everything. 

"Hey," he smiled at Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe who were all there already, eating breakfast, receiving nods and hello's in return. "Do you know where Chandler is?" he asked, glancing up at his open door and assuming that he wasn't in there.

"I'd guess right there," Joey nodded toward the couch by the window where he and Monica were still asleep. "Leave him alone," he added when Ross started over toward them, and Ross turned back to him, almost confused. "Just leave him alone right now. Let him sleep. If you're going to talk to him or whatever later, then fine, but just…let him be right now," he said, almost protectively, and Ross finally conceded, walking back into the kitchen.

Chandler smiled against Monica's neck; he was awake. He just hadn't been able to convince himself to get up yet. He'd been laying there for close to half an hour, running his hand slowly up and down her back, just listening to the conversations going on, letting himself forget about everything. Pretending that it was like it had been before, all of them sitting there, talking, laughing, letting themselves believe that the world was no bigger than their safe little world that existed within the walls of Central Perk.

But he knew that that wasn't true. There was so much more than that. It wasn't a safe happy little world. 

"So when are you going to give us our apartment back?" Monica whispered, causing Chandler to almost jump. "Sorry."

"I didn't know you were awake," he smiled, pulling back so that he could look at her. "And if you really want your apartment back then you're welcome to it. Or at least I don't care, you might have to talk to Joey, though," he continued to whisper, knowing that as soon as everyone else knew that they were awake he'd no longer have an excuse to lie there. "How long have you been awake?"

"For a while," she smiled. "But I figured if you wanted to rub my back for the next hour I wasn't going to stop you."

Chandler laughed, leaning down and tenderly kissing her forehead before standing up, untangling himself from her. 

"Good morning," Joey smiled, seeing them both get up.

"Morning," Chandler replied, offering a smile in return before glancing up at Ross. Ross started toward the door, motioning for Chandler to follow. "What?" Chandler said, closing the door behind him once they were out in the hallway. 

"Look, I just wanted to apologize."

"For what," Chandler looked at him, face emotionless.

"For not telling you that I was getting married," Ross continued, the fact that he was actually apologizing for something killing him.

"So when is it?" Chandler finally asked quietly.

"May 13th." (I'm so BS-ing the date, lol)

"Wait, isn't that in like…two weeks?"

"Yeah…"

"So how long have you been engaged but not told me?" Chandler looked back up, even more hurt than before.

"Not…_that_ long," Ross paused. "Look, I just…I didn't know how to tell you that…I asked Joey to be my best man."

Chandler stared back at him in disbelief.

"Chandler, I'm sorry, but-"

"No, no, don't you be the sorry one. I should be the one who's sorry. I mean, what, did my back hurt your knife?"

"Chandler-"

"No, it's cool, whatever," he shook his head, turning toward his door and walking back inside, leaving Ross alone in the hallway.

~*~

"Hey," Rachel and Monica both greeted a confused Chandler as he walked in.

"How long was I at work?" he asked, looking around the apartment.

"You said you didn't care if we switched back, so," Monica shrugged.

"Whatever," he laughed, sitting down at the kitchen table with them.

"So you're coming this weekend, right?" Monica asked, and Chandler just sighed. "Chandler, it's Ross's bachelor party…"

"Yeah, I know," he looked up at her.

"Well even if you refuse to go to the party, you're still coming to Atlantic City with us," Rachel added. "I have to go, you have to go."

"So why are we going to Atlantic City again?"

Monica shrugged. "Ask Joey. I think it's kind of a mini (LOL, yeah, so I could not spell that word right for the life of me…seriously, and it's not like it's a hard word! m-i-n-i. *sighs*) vacation since Phoebe can't come with us to London."

"Whatever," Chandler shrugged again, and the girls just looked at each other. 

"So will you come then?" Rachel asked again after a few minutes.

"Yeah, I guess…" he finally said causing the girls to grin at each other.

Getting him to go was a victory…a small victory, but a victory…

Tbc…

Yeah, um, this wasn't all that major of a part, but it was my everything-falls-into-place part so I'm jumping up and down doing my happy dance over here, lol. And I'm pretty sure there's gonna be two more parts of this…maybe three…or maybe I don't know, lol. Oh, but I gotta shut up and go, Friends is on (*laughs at the face eathing* hehe) :-D so please review, thanks :)


	15. Chapter 15

Evanescent

Chapter 15

Becca's leaving me! *sobs* who else is gonnna want to invent words like face eathing at three in the morning?! Who else knows what the hell face eathing is and that is came up from watching Boy Meets World and not Friends?! *sniffs* but it's okay…I may live… The smell of hospitals in winter 

_And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters_

_But no pearls_

_When all at once you look across a crowded room_

_To see the way that light attaches to a girl_

(_A Long December_, Counting Crows)

"Sorry you got stuck with me," Chandler said as he plopped (yes, that is right, I just used the word 'plopped' lol) down onto one of the beds in the hotel room. Joey had wanted his own room since he planned on "hooking up" and Chandler was still mad at Ross, so with Rachel and Phoebe sharing a room, it had left he and Monica together.

"I don't mind," Monica laughed as she started unpacking.

"Mon, it's late…you're unpacking right now?" 

"Yeah," she gave him a look saying that he should at least know her that well by now. "So, um, are you going to Ross's party tomorrow night?" she asked meekly, walking over and sitting on the bed next to where he was laying.

"I don't know…I haven't really decided yet," he sat up so that his eye level was even with hers.

"I think you should. I mean, I think that you'll regret it later if you don't…"

"Yeah, I know, " he sighed running his hand through his hair. "I just…don't want to think about anything right now, ya know?"

"Yeah," she smiled at him when he looked back up, kissing him on the forehead before getting up to finish unpacking.

~*~

Chandler slowly got into the hot tub, glad that no one else was in there or even in the pool, needing to be alone. He closed his eyes, still trying not to think about anything. Just how hot the water was against his skin, the steam raising, the smell of way too much chlorine…no real thoughts. Just the solitude. 

"Mind if I join you?" Chandler opened his eyes, looking up to see Monica standing over him. So much for the solitude.

"No," he smiled as she got in, not having waited for his response. 

"Whatcha thinking about?" she asked as she sat down beside him.

"Nothing," he smiled.

"Really? You look like you were thinking…" Monica asked again, but he shook his head. "Are you okay?" she finally asked after getting no real response. "And I know you're sick of us asking that…but I really want to know."

"Yeah, I guess," he shrugged, sighing. "It's just…as soon as I start to think that maybe, just maybe, I can trust someone…it just…"

"Chandler-"

"It hurts like hell to be lied to by your best friend," he cut her off. "But, what hurts even more…is having to lie to your best friend," he looked her in the eye, continuing before she could respond. "The hardest thing to do in the world is to look someone who you care most about in the world in the eye and to have it be a lie when your response to 'what's wrong' is 'I'm fine,'" he added quieter.

"Then don't lie."

"But it's so hard not to when everything contradicts itself! I mean, part of my wants to trust you with everything that I am, and I don't know why…but then part of me is like, dude, they don't even know what you do for a living, how great of friends are those?" he replied, more honesty than he'd even really admitted out loud before. 

Monica looked down, not knowing how to respond to that. "Chandler…"

"You don't have to say anything, I didn't mean anything by that. I was just saying…"

"But you did mean it," she said quietly, and he looked down. Monica sighed, moving closer to him. "You're a data processor," he looked up at her, surprised. "That's what you do for a living, anyway. That's not 'what you are,'" she smiled slightly. "See? I know," she smiled wider for a second when he smiled slightly before looking down, following his gaze down to her hand resting a little too high on his thigh. "Sorry," she smiled, almost embarrassed.

"It's okay," he replied quietly, suddenly unable to break eye contact with her.

Monica stared back, trying hard to read the look in his eyes…but she couldn't. And it suddenly hit her why she couldn't.

He'd never looked at her that way before. 

And the next thing either of them knew, they were kissing. Neither one was really sure who made the first move, or if it had just been a mutual thing, but the next thing they knew, they were kissing. Soft at first, the way she had kissed him the night when they'd spent the entire night talking, but slowly getting more heated as they both became more confident. Monica moved so that she was practically on his lap, letting him run his hands up and down her body as she ran hers through his hair, moaning into his mouth as his fingers went teasingly to the top of her bikini bottoms, tracing the edges. She only pulled away when his fingers slid up her back, moving to try and untie her top. 

Monica finally moved away breathlessly, shaking her head. "Not here…"

Chandler wordlessly stood up, pulling her with him as he got out, handing her a towel before grabbing one for himself. He took her hand, walking out the door and toward the elevator, kissing her again the second that they were inside, not paying attention to the fact that any of their friends could walk in or to the fact that they were acting like a couple of hormone crazed teenagers. They finally pulled apart, both blushing as two teenage girls got on, giggling at the couple making out. When the elevator got to their floor, they got out, hurrying quickly down the hall to their room, both praying that none of their friends would see them and stop them on the way.

The second that they were through the door, they immediately had their arms back around each other, moving toward the bed without breaking the kiss. Chandler once again reached around her back, trying to untie her bikini top, eventually getting frustrated when it ended up in a knot. Monica laughed, pulling back so that he could pull it over her head instead. 

As they fell back onto the bed, Chandler suddenly stopped, staring down at her. Monica looked at him, not wanting to break the moment by saying anything, but recognizing the look in his eyes.

He looked scared to death.

She broke the gaze only for a moment, kissing the scars running across his wrists, trying to help time with the healing process, before moving her eyes back up to his. She ran her fingertips slowly up and down his back, tracing his spine, not sure if he wanted to stop and not wanting to pressure him to keep going. And Monica almost laughed out loud at that thought, that he was the one suddenly so vulnerable. But it only took him a few seconds before he bent his neck back down and kissed her again, this time not letting it stop at that

~*~

On top of her, inside of her, kissing her, touching her, her feel, her smell, her taste…engulfed completely in her… I'm drowning. In all of her, I'm drowning. 

And I'm fucking scared to death. 

I need her so wholly and completely that I don't know what to do. I don't want to get hurt; I _can't_ get hurt. But…it doesn't seem to matter anymore. She's all that I see, all that I can feel…she's all that seems real to me.

And I'm scared to death.

So maybe…I'll just let myself drown…

Tbc…

Becca! *sobs* I'm gonna miss you!!! *muah* I finished this before you left just for you!!! Hehe, but everyone else, please review, thanks :) 


	16. Chapter 16

Evanescent

Chapter 16

Know what's weird? The word babe. Well, not the word itself, but the fact that when some guys say it it sounds sweet and charming, but then other guys'll say it and you're like 'eww, pig.' Ya know? Or maybe not, lol. And know what else is weird? The fact that I have a permanent soccer tan. Seriously. It won't go away! I have permanent tan lines from my shin guards and it doesn't matter how tan I get or whatever, they never go away! *sighs* But, um enough of my rambling…Oh, and thanks for the reviews :) And I have a lonnnngggg inside joke about sex in hot tubs with my friends so I've been so dying to do that! Not do _that_ as in sex in a hot tub, but…yeah, I'll shut up, lol. Here's the last part…enjoy…

He spent his whole life being too young 

_To live the life that's in his dreams_

_At night he lies awake and he wonders_

_Why can't that be me_

_'Cause in his life he's filled_

_With all these good intentions_

_He's left a lot of things_

_He'd rather not mention right now_

_But just before he says goodnight_

_He looks up with a little smile at me_

_And he says_

_If I could be like that_

_Well I would give anything_

_Just to live one day_

_In those shoes_

_If I could be like that_

_What would I do_

_What would I do, yeah_

(_Be Like That_, 3 Doors Down)

Monica rolled over, reaching out for Chandler, sitting up groggily when all she was met with was a cold empty bed. She blinked rapidly a few times, trying to wake up as she looked around, wondering where he had gone. "Chandler," she said sleepily, standing up and pulling on a robe as she got out of bed when there was no answer. "Chandler," she repeated, looking at the still bolted door and knowing from that that he couldn't have actually gone anywhere. "Chandler," she walked over to the bathroom and switched the light on, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. She frowned, realizing that he wasn't in there and walked out.

She once again tried to keep herself form panicking, not having a clue as to where he could have gone when the door was still bolted, when something caught her eye; the edge of the curtain blowing slightly in the breeze.

Monica went over to the door going out to the balcony, opening it farther so that she could go out. She smiled when she was met by a half-dressed Chandler wearing only boxers and an open robe sitting back against the building. 

"Hey," she said quietly, not sure that he'd seen her come out.

"Hey yourself," he replied, putting out the cigarette he'd been smoking.

"You shouldn't smoke."

"Yeah, I know," he said, still not looking at her, taking a deep breath as he tried to find the words to start.

"I-"

"Look-"

The both started at the same time, laughing.

"You go," Monica smiled, still standing in the doorway.

"Look, last night was…amazing," he started, producing a grin from both of them.

"But…"

"But," he smiled at her knowingly. "I don't think I can do this right now. A relationship, I mean. Because I have a feeling that that's what something between us would turn into. But I can't right now. I kind of just need to focus on me right now and figure all this shit out. And I know it's selfish, but…I think I need to be selfish right now."

"I can wait," Monica smiled, walking over to where he was seated.

"I don't know that I'm worth waiting for," he replied seriously.

"I do," Monica looked him in the eye, finally getting him to smile.

"That doesn't mean that I don't still need you, though," he finally said quietly. "Just…"

"I know," she stopped him.

"I just wish that I wasn't so fucked up."

"You're not fucked up, Chandler."

"Yes, I am."

"Well then I like you fucked up," she said, and he laughed. "So…this is just between us for now?"

"Yeah," Chandler nodded.

"Then it's a good thing that hickey isn't any higher or else you'd have some explaining to do to everyone else," she laughed, touching where it was, right above his collarbone, when he looked down. "Sorry."

"Hey, you didn't hear me complaining at the time…"

Monica laughed, letting him pull her down into his arms. She leaned her head back against his bare chest, sighing with content at his arms around her, both staring out at the ocean, lost in their own thoughts.

"I'm gonna go to Ross's party," Chandler finally mumbled against her hair, watching as the sun began to rise over the ocean, signaling the begin of a new day. He smiled, happy to leave everything else in the past.

A new day, a new start.

A new beginning.

ThE eNd 

And that, children, is it. I know it leaves a lot of things still…without closure, but…this is the way I was going to end it from the beginning. Seriously, I had the first chapter written and the idea for the last chapter and this one when I started this. And I was going to have a lot more happen between the time he got out of the hospital and here, but…this would've been like 30 parts and I don't have enough discipline to write that much, lol. Seriously, there are like 20 other songs that I wanted to use in this that I didn't get the chance to. But, oh, well. So please review and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and for all of the reviews *muah*


End file.
